Without You
by angryoctopus
Summary: The funeral is beautiful; Kurt's casket is white. It lays next to his mother in the North Lima Cemetery. Blaine doesn't keep it together.


_A/N: I'd like to thank the ever lovely Cas (GallifreyIsCalling) who betas and pumps me up and tells me what a horrid bitch I am for writing sad things. Also **this contains the death of a main character.**_****_Happy readings!_

The first time Blaine tries to watch RENT again he barely makes it past the opening notes of _Seasons of Love_before he turns it off. It's too soon. Two years is too soon. **  
**

* * *

They learn when their baby girl is barely four that Kurt has the same cancer that took his mother's life.

Blaine is holding Kurt's hand tight between his own, squeezing when the doctor comes in. He smiles at his husband. He knows that there's no way this could happen to Kurt; it was rare enough for Elizabeth Hummel to get it. It can't happen to Kurt. It just can't.

The doctor tries to smile, Blaine's got to give her that. She tries to make this seem easier. Tries to make it seem like there's a chance they can beat this, like Kurt won't leave him too soon. She goes on about chemo and radiation therapy and "We caught it early, this isn't a death sentence." She pats Kurt's shoulder on the way out the door, like maybe that little touch will fix this, like it'll get rid of everything.

Kurt doesn't break down until the door closes behind her. Blaine doesn't break down until he's sure Kurt is asleep that night.**  
**

* * *

The hardest had been explaining to Lizzie why Daddy was so sick all the time. How do you tell a four year old about cancer? How do you explain that something is making Daddy's body very, very weak and the only thing that can help him makes him just as sick?

You can't. Not in a way that she can understand. Not in a way that keeps her from crying and hugging Daddy close. Not in a way that keeps her from asking if Daddy is going to heaven.**  
**

* * *

When the cancer comes back, it's all they can do to keep it together. Lizzie is nine by now. (Blaine remembers Kurt telling him that at least he outlasted his mother. At least there's that.) Kurt writes out his Will, Burt moves in so that someone can take care of Lizzie while Blaine's at the hospital, Blaine just tries to keep himself from falling apart.**  
**

* * *

The funeral is beautiful; Kurt's casket is white. It lays next to his mother in the North Lima Cemetery.**  
**

Blaine doesn't keep it together.**  
**

* * *

It's only until afterward that Blaine realizes that life goes on. Rachel is starring on Broadway now, Finn is in LA, doing some TV show that Blaine barely cares to watch, Lizzie is starting middle school in the fall. Even Blaine's moved on. At least he doesn't cry himself to sleep anymore. At least there's that.**  
**

* * *

It's five years after Kurt's- after Kurt, that Blaine makes it past _Seasons of Love._He stops at _I'll Cover You. _Five years is too soon.**  
**

* * *

It's Burt that finally pulls him aside. Blaine looks like shit, he knows that. How do you not when your entire life has moved on, but your entire reason for living is buried in some fucking box in fucking Ohio?

They don't talk for a long while, just sip beers and watch football. When Burt sets his beer on the coffee table, Blaine braces himself for some kind of reprimand. Maybe for letting himself go (he hasn't shaved in god knows how long) or maybe from not taking care of Lizzie as well as he should.**  
**Burt just pulls him to his chest like a father should.

"It's hard, Blaine. Lord knows I know how hard it is. When I lost Liz- and now Kurt-" Burt's voice cuts off with a sob; his next words are gruffer than normal, "And now that Kurt's gone... I know that it seems like you're stuck. Like the world can't go on without him. But it will. And you can, too. Your heart's gonna hurt for a long time, bud. It's gonna hurt like hell and it probably always will. But you can't let yourself get sucked into that."

Burt pulls back from the hug, doesn't even bother to wipe the tears trailing down his face or hide that they were ever there. He shakes Blaine's shoulders slightly, squeezes a silent, "I'm here."

"You can't let yourself go because he isn't here. If not for yourself, if not for Lizzie, then for Kurt. Don't hold onto ghosts, Blaine."

Blaine hugs him again, tighter than he probably should. "I love you, Dad. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Burt just shushes him. "Love you, too, bud. It's okay. It's all gonna be okay."**  
**

* * *

Blaine never does make it past_Without You._He remembers Kurt's hand holding tight to his in that theatre all those years ago, trying to pretend he wasn't crying. **  
**He keeps trying though. Because RENT was Kurt's favorite musical and he made a promise, just to himself, to keep living. It never gets easier. Each day is just as hard as the last and his heart never does stop hurting. But life goes on.

Lizzie is nineteen now. She wants to be a doctor so that she can save people so they don't have to lose what she lost. Finn's acting in movies by now; he dedicated his first award to his little brother. Blaine lives two streets away from Burt and Carole and teaches music at Mckinley high school. He sees kids that remind him of Kurt everyday. It hurts like hell.**  
**

* * *

Blaine moves on, but he never marries again. He never even loves again. **  
**

He visits Kurt everyday. At least there's that.

_Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe._**  
**_The mind churns, the heart yearns_**  
**_The tears dry, without you._**  
**_Life goes on, but I'm gone._**  
**_Cause I die, without you._


End file.
